A Small Problem
by squirrelly-girlies
Summary: While offworld John, Rodney, and Radek run into a problem of miniature proportions, spelling trouble for all involved. WIP, R&R please!


**A.N.** Not sure when this takes place yet, so there's little to no spoilers.  
Please excuse any mistakes, this was written entirely over MSN messenger between Gremblin and Scifi Lemon. We're pretty sure that we've gotten rid of all the chat between our posts, though it's entirely too possible that we missed something. We're only human, after all.  
As with all writers we would like it oh so very much if you review after you post.

**Disclaimer:** We own nothing. Please don't sue us for being fans of your oh-so-wonderful television series.

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"You're expecting me to fix highly advanced technology with equipment that's not far ahead of stone knives and bear skins! It's impossible!"

"Come on, McKay. You're the one who's always saying how smart you are." Sheppard waved his hands over the devices in question. "Besides, it's not like you've never had to do something like this before."

The scientist crawled out from underneath an Ancient console to send one of his patented "glares of doom" at the colonel. Sheppard blinked innocently, unaffected by the look that would have sent lesser men cowering in fear. McKay harrumphed and said, "Oh, so you're saying that performing near-miracles under duress should get easier over time?"

"Yup. I mean, we've been going on missions like this for what, three or four years now? We come, something bad happens, we try to fix it, fail, we think we're screwed and then you pull a solution out of thin air and save us in the nick of time. It's practically routine by now. "

Pause. "You're insane, you know that?" McKay went back to tinkering on the device. "I'd have said you're out of your mind, but that'd be stating the obvious."

"Please, you just hate the fact that I'm absolutely right." The scientist mumbled unintelligibly under his breath. Sheppard smirked. "And Vulcans hate it when you state the obvious, right? Spock could fix it."

"Have I mentioned that your extensive knowledge of Star Trek is really disturbing?" A grin spread over his face as he worked. "Besides, I'm not the one with pointy ears."

"Cute. Like I've never heard that one before. Ya know, when I was a kid I always got teased"—

The creak of rusty hinges interrupted Sheppard. McKay scrambled away from the console and swung his P90 around the same time as the colonel. The door opened and in ran Radek. Upon seeing two P90s aimed at his head he stumbled to a stop and rose both hands up into the air with an expression of surprise being added to the one of fear and panic already mixing over his face.

John and Rodney sighed in brief relief as they lowered their weapons. They were both glad it was only Radek until the reason towards the man's frightened state was revealed as the unmistakable sound of a wraith dart sounded outside.

Without a word the three men made for the door Radek had just entered through. John reached it first and checked if the coast was clear before closing it again. "Are you crazy, Zelenka!" berated McKay. "We were all supposed to stay quarantined until I can fix it! Who knows what you let in here when you opened that door."

"I'm sorry," Radek replied. " But I thought you could use some help. The sooner we fix this, the sooner we can get back to Atlantis. Besides, it's not like they could slip through a door crack...right?"

"They can't. McKay's just being paranoid." Sheppard patted the Czech on the back. He leaned in closer. "Help him hurry up, will ya? I don't know how much more of this I can take."

"I heard that!" McKay called. He was about to shout an order when a monotone beep rang clearly throughout the room they were inside. High pitched and regular they all knew what it sounded like.

"What's that?" John asked anyways. Rodney threw the Colonel a 'you-really-didn't-ask-that' look.

"I don't know. Let me just check my magical mystery sounds machine and check, hmm?" Rodney replied as he started following the sound to it's source.

Radek joined his friend and coworker through the maze of gadgets around the room to look for the source of the beep. As much as he told himself 'it isn't a bomb. It can't possibly be a bomb' his already elevated heart rate couldn't help but speed up.

"Found it!" Rodney exclaimed. He stood next to the console he had been working under before Radek had run into the room.

"Good! Figure out how to stop it, McKay!" John ordered. It was too late however, because just as he finished speaking a white light enveloped the three from the console. At first all they felt was white-hot pain and blinding light. The flare of agony was brief, not lasting long enough for any of the three to cry out.

When it subsided, they laid where they had fallen, trying to wrap their minds around what just happened. "McKay," asked Shepard, "what the hell was that?"

"I don't know." he replied. The scientist slowly got to his feet, his muscles protesting every inch of the way.

"Rodney," said Radek tenetively. "Look at the console."

The three looked at it and saw it lite up brilliantly. It looked beautiful in it's own way and not one of the men could look away from it.

Until, that is, all three men felt a sinking feeling overcome them. It felt like they were falling through a very large cube of jello. It was a very weird feeling and all three men closed their eyes until it eventually went away after five minutes or so.

Rodney was the first to open his eyes and what he saw made him jump and call out in fright. John and Radek whipped their eyes open because of his surprised shout and were about to ask what was wrong before seeing EXACTLY what was wrong.

"We're kids!" Rodney said, horrified. "I hate kids! Oh, this isn't good at all." John walked over to his friend to find that he was at least three feet taller.

"Uh, actually, McKay, you're a kid. I'm still me. So's Radek." The two adults erupted into snickers

"Hey! It's not funny! Stop laughing!" Thick drops of tears spilled onto his face.

McKay sniffed. "It's not fair! You guys are the ones bad stuff's supposed to happen to, not me! I'm the one who fixes stuff! It's not right!" He stomped his feet and crossed his arms, wet tears still shining on his face.

Radek realized that the scientist was actually having a tantrum. He suddenly wished he had brought his video camera.

John knelt down and said, "Hey, it's okay. We're gonna figure this out." Little McKay wailed again. "I mean, you're gonna figure this out." He looked to Radek, a pleading look in his eyes.

The Czech made his way over to the still glowing console while Sheppard was still attempting to calm kid!McKay down. An evil grin spread over his face. Oh, McKay was never going to live this down...

He looked over the console and discovered a piece of bubblegum stuck between crystals. Pulling his hand away with a disgusted look on his face he held said appendage up for John to see. With a brief amused look John continued to try and calm the angry McKay.

Pulling out his handkerchief Radek wiped the majority of the sticky mess off his hand before walking over to John. Reluctantly he moved the Colonel aside so that Rodney was looking angrily at him instead. Reaching slowly and dramatically into his pocket Radek pulled out an energy bar, one of the last of it's kind until the Daedalus returned with more supplies and more precisely one of Rodney's favorites. Rodney's eyes widened in excitement as he tried to grab it from his underling's hands. Radek, having had experience with kids from visiting his sister, had been expecting such a reaction. He quickly held it up out of Rodney's reach.

"You will behave until we reach Stargate. Then you will get bar." Radek bribed his boss.

McKay pouted. "But I want it now!"

Radek shook his head. "Not until we get to the Stargate and only if you behave. Understand?"

The child and adult stared at each other, neither one backing down. Finally, Rodney lowered his eyes. "Yes sir."

A smirk spread over Radek's face. Oh, McKay was SO not living this down.

John's grin was as mischievous as Radek's. "Why don't you see if there's anyway to reverse this and I'll keep the little tyke occupied?"

Radek nodded and Sheppard took over babysitting duty. He handed the small, chubby boy the datapad and set up a game of virtual chess for them to play.

They sat for a while in silence, Radek and McKay both silent with concentration while the colonel observed them. John trusted Zelenka with his life, but he knew that McKay was the best qualified to figure out what happened and how to get back.

From Radek's dark look, he knew it too.

The Czech fiddled with the console some more, trying to figure it out, when his hand slipped and dislodged a crystal. White light engulfed him once more and left just as quickly, leaving him many feet shorter than when it had ensnared him. Rodney abandoned his game of chess to run over to Radek, holding onto his pants desperately to keep them up. His boots had been hopelessly forgotten, along with his shoes, and his shirt hung off him like a very baggy dress.

"Serves you right, Radek!" Rodney said triumphantly. "Now gimme the energy bar!"

John couldn't help but laugh at the sight of what he guessed was a five year old using the patented McKay-snap. Radek shook his head vehemently.

"No! Not until we reach Stargate!" Radek insisted. Rodney wasn't about to be defied by his fellow scientist, however, and quickly overpowered him.

The energy bar in hand Rodney was about to tear it open to eat it when John quickly grabbed it out of his hands and held it up out of his friend's reach just as Radek had done moments before.

"Not until we reach the Stargate." John grinned. He tapped the radio on his ear.

"Ronon, Teyla, come in please."

"We are here, John." responded Teyla. "Has McKay figured out how to open the doors?"

He looked down at the two toddlers that had been wrestling just moments ago. With the recent transformation, they had forgotten about the others, trapped in separate rooms in the Ancient complex.

"Actually, Teyla, he have a bit of a situation here."

"What has happened?" Her voice was filled with concern.

"Well, it's just a 'little' kink in our plans..." Rodney sent one of his patented glares at Sheppard, but in the five year old body it looked more cute than menacing.

The glare was mimed by Radek, again more cute than menacing. John just threw the two his lop sided grin that he knew annoyed Rodney to all ends at least before continuing.

"Rodney's been turned into a kid." John explained bluntly. "A console he found did it to him."

"You are alright though?" Teyla sounded genuinely worried.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Dr. Zelenka ran in and tried to fix him but only got turned into a munchkin himself." Both scientists-turned-toddlers glared at him.

"I'm thinking sewage water, Radek. What about you?" Rodney said none too quietly.

"Yes. COLD sewage water." Radek agreed. "And no power to his room." Rodney nodded, looking only slightly impressed.

"Yeah, I like that idea. No more loud music at odd hours." Rodney agreed.

The glares suddenly looked oh so much more threatening suddenly as John realized that despite them being many years younger they were still able to completely control the city systems.

"Oh come on! I can't believe I'm getting bossed around by five year olds." John said, exasperated.

"Five year olds with multiple physics degrees, decades of experience, and intimate knowledge of Atlantis's systems." Rodney's grin was positively evil by now.

"My life has become a Baby Geniuses movie. What did I do to deserve this?"

"Gimme the power bar or you'll never have a warm shower again!"

Rodney started hitting John's legs in a desperate attempted to get what he wanted.

"All right, that's the last straw mister!" John grabbed McKay by the collar of his shirt and lifted him into the air.

The small body squirmed and kicked. "Let me go! I'm still smarter than you! Get off of me!"

Radek could not longer contain his laughter and fell to the floor, erupting in mirth at the sight of his boss getting told off by the much larger Sheppard.

John waved a finger in little!McKay's face. God, the things I do... "Listen here young man. I have years of babysitting skills under my belt and I am not going to let you act like a spoiled brat."

The colonel looked around the room as McKay continued to whine. "This isn't fair! Put me down! I hate you!"

"Alright, that's it!" John strode over to a large shelf high up on the wall. He cleared off all the Ancient doodads and set McKay down there. "Consider yourself officially on a time out, McKay!"

As soon as Sheppard set him down McKay tried to stand up. His small feet got tangled in the over-sized shirt and he promptly fell back on his tush.

Radek exploded into giggles again.

McKay's tiny face was red with shame and anger. "This isn't fair! I'm the head scientist! Let me down NOW!"

Sheppard crossed his arms resolutely. "Not until you promise to behave."

The toddler crossed his arms and stuck out his lower lip. "No!"

"Then you aren't getting down."

"This isn't fair! I hate you!"

"You don't mean that."

"Yes I do! I'm the Head Scientist! Besides. You need me to fix the doors so everyone can get out. Radek's only been here for a few minutes while I've been studying the systems in here for an hour." Rodney pointed out triumphantly. "You can't AFFORD to leave me up here if you want to get out anytime soon."

"We can manage. You're welcome to help as soon as you start acting like the Head Scientist."

"I am. I'm perfectly aware of how I act. Snarky, rude, irritable, grumpy, and generally unpleasant to work with. That's how I'm acting right now so let me down." Rodney demanded. John shook his head with a smile plastered over his face. He was very obviously pleased with himself.

"But right now, I'm in charge and I can't have you running around like a, uh, a five year old. You'll stay up there until I say so."

Rodney harrumphed stubbornly and crossed his arms as John turned to talk to Radek. Looking around at his current predicament Rodney tried standing up again, more carefully this time, minding his shirt. Being extremely careful he looked up at the shelf above him. Finding it full of interesting-looking things he proceeded to climb up onto the higher shelf before John could turn around to stop him.

Finding the shelf quite full Rodney quickly picked up the most broken of the gadgets and threw it in the general direction of his friend-turned-captor, hitting him in the back of his knee. With childlike glee at the way it made John's knee buckle Rodney quickly threw another highly broken gizmo and hit John's other knee before the Colonel could turn around and attempt to reprimand him.

"Ow! What the-" John spun around and saw McKay on another shelf, holding an Ancient device that was just small enough for him to chuck.

"Rodney, what d'you think you're doing?" John demanded. "And how'd you get up onto that shelf?!" John's eyes widened as he saw that he could no longer reach Rodney.

Rodney hurled another item while Radek burst out laughing again. John barely managed to dodge the device, which shattered behind him on the Ancient version of concrete.

As the scientist crawled further down the shelf for more trinkets Sheppard shouted, "Okay Rodney, that is so not cool! Don't force me to spank you! Don't think I won't you self-centered brat!"

Radek shrieked in mirth again. John looked at him from the corner of his eye. His small eyes were brimmed with tears of joy and he was rolling back in forth uncontrollably, still laughing like a hyena.

This was getting way out of hand.

"You can't reach me! I'm invulnerable!"

McKay continued to scramble further and further down the shelf. John opened his mouth to berate him when he noticed that the board supporting the scientist's weight was dipping. It was going to collapse underneath the toddler.

"Rodney! Stop moving! Head back to the end!" called John.

"No!" the stubborn scientist said. "First you mock me, then you humiliate me, and now you threaten me with bodily harm! There's no way I'm listening to anything to you say!"

The shelf continued to bend.

"Look, okay, you win. I'm sorry, alright? I really wasn't going to hurt you, I just wanted you to calm down. Will you head back down now?"

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**A.N.2: **Obey the blue button of awesomeness. You know you wanna.


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